Young Vietnamese Women are Trying to Cripple Me

Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), Vietnam

First I have trouble getting out of the country, now I'm worried about getting out in one piece. With only a few hours left I have my closest call yet to being crippled by a motor scooter. You would think that with over 4 weeks of experience crossing moto-infested streets in south-east Asia, this would be the least likeliest time for an accident. You quickly learn the survival essentials (see the first blog entrees) and the characteristics of the different drivers coming at you, which are:
1) Older riders can be depended on to just flow around you if you don't change your pace
2) Young males drive fast but have good reflexes
3) Watch out for young women, they will be the ones to kill or maim you

Young ladies are the ones that are all covered up so they are the hardest to read: masks over the mouth, hats, gloves, armcovers, and dark glasses so you can't make eye contact or know that they see you. I don't know if it is attitude, ignorance, or a real mean streak that makes them do it, but it always seems like they will hit you if you don't take action. Today I had to do an emergency jump out of the path of one of these ladies and believe me, if I had been wearing runners instead of flip-flops I would have caught her, kicked her butt off of that machine and dumped it into the Saigon River (it's not a far walk back to my hotel either). Hmm, maybe that's why I haven't been asked to be an Ambassador yet.

Laying low until the taxi show up.

Paul

MISSED THE PLANE!!!!!

Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), Vietnam

Woke up this morning with a leasurely day ahead: Vietnamese cooking class from 9:30-12:30, nap time, go to the market for Vietnamese coffee beans, dinner, shower, flight home at 11:55 pm. For extra piece of mind, I thought I would call to re-confirm the flights back to Toronto. Got out the ticket and ...

My return flight is 11:55 PM on October 11 - WAIT A MINUTE, THAT WAS LAST NIGHT!!!

DAMN!!!
[edited to keep a PG rating]

OK Paul, don't panic (too late), airlines are reasonable (ya right) and will do their best to accomodate you (as if) without charging you a lot of money (are we in never-never land?). I blast out of the hotel and hop onto the back of a motorbike directly to the Vietnamese Airlines main office. Two angels in the office helped me out, re-booking the same flights a day later (today). I didn't even have to resort to lying and crying (which I was ready to do). "How much?", I whimpered, clutching my Visa card so hard it was about to snap. "No charge", sang the angels, and handed over the new tickets. They said that I must be a very good man to be so lucky.

Done, just in time for cooking class.

Paul (the bonehead)

Sleeping with Old Vietnamese Women

Chau Doc -> Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon)

Another 6 hour bus ride from Chau Doc to HCMC throught the Mekong Delta. This time it's on a "mini-bus", which is actually a big van with seats for 14. It's all Vietnamese people except for myself. The scenery for most of the ride was great but it was a bit hot thanks to the old mamasan next to me that slept on my should for about 5 out of the 6 hours. I have a few very funny pictures of her sleeping against me that I took with the camera at arms length.

Paul

Finger Update - Jerry's gone

I'm happy to report that the finger is back to normal. There's only 1 bump left that was part of Jerry's ear. I'll miss him, he was a good companion after Lucy went home.

Paul

Cruising the Delta

Chau Doc, Vietnam (in the Mekong Delta)

The Mekong Delta is an amazing place, everything revolves around the water. The Mekong is a massive river, over 1 km wide in places that splits into a lot of smaller rivers and canals in the delta before hitting the ocean. Chau Doc is at the top of the delta region. I'm getting tired of hearing "motorbike" all day so I rent a motorbike for myself for the day. It was the same price with or without a driver but I wanted to ride for change instead of hanging on for dear life over the bumps and when going through intersections. The guy was nervous about me taking his bike for the day so I had to drive him around for awhile so he knew I could ride a scooter. Then he asked if he could be a passenger all day - NO WAY! I could have used him a few times, there are virtually no road signs and I didn't have a map. Had to stop at most intersections and ask which way to go. Nobody speaks english there but they can recognize the name of a place and point so it wasn't really a problem.

One of the places I visited was the "Bone Pagoda" in Ba Chuc. They call it that because they have thousands of human skulls and bones on display from people that the Khmer Rouge massacred in the 70's. The pictures of the Ba Chuc massacre in a nearby temple are probably the most horrific images I have seen in my life.

The people out in the country are so different than those you meet in the towns and cities where tourists usually go. I guess they don't see gringoes on motos very often out there because they were laughing and waving as I went by. Whenever I stopped for directions they were very kind, it was a great experience. The moto owner was very pleased when I dropped off the bike without a scratch.



Sitting at the hotel bar on the river in the afternoon/evening was also very interesting. There is a constant stream of activity going by and boats of all shapes and sizes. They did have one thing in common, they were all old, decrepit, and very dirty. The current is very strong, small islands of shrubs are always shooting by at the speed of an olympic swimmer. A lot of people get around on rowboats so they have to really work to get across. They row while standing. It looks like most women row and most men use motors (I'm not sure if that is an indication of strength or intelligence on either sex.).

Back to Saigon tomorrow on the bus.

Paul

Now in 'Nam

The boat left the dock today for Vietnam, but not before a last-minute shakedown attempt by the cab driver that took me from the hotel to the ferry dock. He insisted that MY ears were bad and that we had really agreed on 5 dollars, not 1 dollar. I realize that these 2 numbers sound alike but considering that you can get a cab driver to chaufeur you around for 8 hours for $16, 5 dollars for a 5 minute cab ride seemed like a pretty shaky case. I gave him a buck and got out of the cab but was a bit worried that he would take off with my bag in his trunk so I left the door open. He didn't get out to unlock the trunk but the car was such a piece of junk I just opened the trunk without the key.

The ferry ride was amazing along the Mekong river from Phnom Penh to Chau Doc, Vietnam. Chau Doc is in the delta region there the Mekong splits into small channels and people literally live in houses on the river. They raise fish under their houses in suspended nets and feed them through trap doors. It makes them really easy to catch, you don't even have to leave home. Someone should tell the people in Newfoundland about this technique.

Paul

Stuck in the Penh

Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Bad news this morning, there won't be a boat to the border today. Or at least that's what I've been told by Mr. Tung at the hotel that was supposed to get a ticket for me. He seemed eager to sell me a plane ticket to Saigon so I called around to see what the story was with the boat. I called another travel agent and got a different story: the boat was completely sold out. I tried one more time as a tie-breaker and they said no problem, they will send a tuk-tuk by at 1:30 to pick me up to take me to the boat. That sounded pretty good but while I was packing I got a bad feeling about it and called them again to double-check that there was space on the boat. Sure enough, they called back and said that there wasn't. I've got a ticket in hand for tomorrow though, hopefully it works out. So another day of wandering the streets of PP getting harrassed by the moto boys.

Paul

PP Stinks

Phnom Phen, Cambodia

If it wasn't for the rotting garbage, festering sewers and dusty roads, this might be a very attractive city. It looks like they spend as little money as possible to build and maintain PP. Other than the main streets, the rest are bumpy dirt roads, right in the middle of town. There are virtually no traffic lights or street lights so it gets very dark and at night and crossing the road at any time is a nightmare. Literally every street corner has a couple of guys sitting on their scooters and tuk-tuks waiting to give you a ride: "hey man, moto?, tuk-tuk?". I used to respond out of politeness but now I just pretend their not their. Even looking ahead of you and seeing the next gang on the corner has them off their bikes looking at you with their hands up. I'm actually starting to say yes to the Moto guys, it's too hot to walk far in the day and at night it's just too scary to walk in the dark.

The nights are beautiful. Last night I met Lara, Chris and 2 other Canadians at the FCC (Foreign Correspondants Club) where journalists used to hang out when Cambodia was in the news. They've got a great open bar on the 2nd floor overlooking the point where the Mekong and Tonle Sap rivers come together.

Found a few stalls in the market selling Alias software. Maya goes for $2 and AutoStudio for $4 (that's before bargaining). To get a better perspective on the price, Maya costs the equivalent of 4 bowls of the noodle soup I had for lunch at a market stand nearby. It's nice to see Alias making inroads in SE Asia.

Disturbing visit to the Tuol Sleng museum this morning. This is the place that the Khmer Rouge processed over 17,000 of the 1-2 million people they exterminated in the killing fields. It's hard to believe that this was going on in 1978.



I think that this is enough of Pnohm Penh for me, back to Vietnam on the boat tomorrow.

Paul

Crispy Crawly Snacks + Dirt Farmers

Siem Reap -> Phnom Pehn, Cambodia Siem Reap to Phnom Pehn is a bumpy 6 hour bus ride with some interesting observations along the way. Best of all are the snacks that are available for sale when the bus pulls into a roadside stop every 1 1/2 hours or so. The deep-fried spiders and bugs looked especially tasty and if I weren't on the Atkins diet I would have put back a few kilos of those in a minute. Bugs look appetizing enough as it is, but when they are fried to perfection they're almost irresistable. Deb - Do vegetarians eat bugs? Farming is still done with water buffalo to pull the plows and manually picking or cutting with scythes. This is at about the time when the first settlers were making their way across Canada with ox-carts. After seeing how dominant the Khmers were when they build the incredible temples at Ankor Wat and how backward they are now compared to the rest of the world, it's hard to believe a society fell so hard. Getting off the bus in PP you are swamped with people trying to get you to stay at hotels and guest houses. I didn't have a reservation but knew a few places that I wanted to try so I just get a cab. The cab driver starts pushing the King Hotel even as we're walking to the cab so he's just like the rest of them. I convince him to take me to where I wanted to go and he tries to talk me out of it the whole way. He even told me that there was a crematorium across the street and the smoke of burning dead people blows into your window at the place I wanted to go. We went anyway and there wasn't a crematorium in sight. Paul

Finger update

Siem Reap, Cambodia

Just noticed that if I point my diseased index finger to the sky, the pattern of the spots looks like Jerry Lewis. How can I put this on eBay?

Paul

It finally happened ... SNAKE!!

Ankor Wat, Cambodia

I was walking along a jungle path near one of the out-of-the-way temples enjoying the absence of other tourists when something went shooting up a tree right in front of me. IT WAS A BIG GREEN SNAKE!!! (probably scared off my my battle-yell). It's time to get out of here, there are probably more.



Today was "animal kingdom" day. In addition to the killer snake, there were bats in the temple, monkeys in the jungle, squirrels, and a massive roach in my shower.

Off to Phnom Penh tomorrow.

Paul

What a coincidence

Ankor Wat, Cambodia

Another reminder that the world is a small place (so you should always be on your best behaviour). Walking through Ankor Wat today I ran into an ex-colleague from Alias, Lara Koretzky. Even more amazing is that this is the place where they filmed part of Lara Croft, Tomb Raider - the movie. As the esteemed Keanu Reaves would say - whoa.

Paul

Vendor madness

Ankor Wat, Cambodia

Another incredible day at the temples. Today I borrowed a bike and rode to the main temple of Ankor Wat. By now the vendors start to get on your nerves. I'm starting to hear their voices in my sleep ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards? ...hello, hello .... motorbike? ... cold drink? ... postcards?

Warning - adult content below.

Have got to learn not to answer every question so truthfully here, it can get you into trouble. Snce Lucy left and I'm alone I often get asked questions such as: "you like pleasure from woman" I'm thinking to myself, what is this, a rhetorical question? Of course I like pleasure from woman. (sound of palm slapping forehead) Oh, I see, he's not talking in the general sense, we're talking about "advanced keraoke" in one of those shady looking places on the side streets. No thanks, not today.

Paul

No longer itching

I'm happy to report that my index finger has stopped itching ... it would be nice if the bumps would go away too.

Paul

Incredible Temples in the Jungle

Ankor Wat, Cambodia

Mind-blowing temples scattered in the jungle. It is impossible to describe the scale of these buildings and the ornate carving on them. If you're interested look up Ankor Wat to see for yourself. I was chauffered around on the back of a motor scooter from temple to temple. Tomorrow I'll do some of the closer ones on a bike and get some more exercise. Hoping to get a better look at the monkeys and toucans you see around the temple sites.

Looking for a hotel with hot water.

Paul

Cambodia - Hot Weather + Cold Showers

Siem Reap, Cambodia

Flew in from Saigon yesterday and moved into the Big Lyna Villa. It's high season here so if you don't book in advance or are reluctant to shell out $500 US per night the pickings are slim. It's a great room for $15 a night in a traditional Cambodian wooden house. The biggest drawback I discovered was the absence of hot water (where's the second tap?). Cold water isn't so bad because the temp is hot - what is troubling are the red wriggly things that shoot out of the shower head every once in a while and start writhing like crazy on the bathroom floor (which doubles as the shower stall). They look kind of like the bug that they put into Keanu Reeve's belly in the Matrix.

Many grim reminders to watch out for land mines here - lots of people missing limbs in town.



Paul

Alone

Lucy is on her way home ... I'm lonely.

Happy New Year

Saigon -

Lucy and I take our first break from Vietnamese food and enjoy a fine feed of french food. We had a magical cyclo ride through Saigon after dinner. A cyclo is a 3 wheel bike with a seat in the front. Just before midnight we got a ride back from the restaurant along the Saigon River and through downtown Saigon back to our hotel through a sea of thousands of people on scooters. It was amazing!!! It ended on a bit of a sour note as the cyclo drivers tried to shake us down at the end of the ride but the ride was incredible. They wouldn't accept anything less than their "extortion price" so to end the discussion I just put what the fair price was on the bike and we walked. Note to anyone thinking of travelling here, if someone says "don't worry"... worry.

Paul

What is that smell?

Went on an all-day excursion snorkeling around the islands south of Phu Quoc island. After 20 km of dusty road we get to the fishing pier where we catch our boat. Stepping carefully across the rickety planks, praying that we don't fall through to the fetid water below, we are accosted by the foulest stench we have ever experienced. Drying and rotten shrimp roasting in a humid, 30 degree celcius climate. Set a personal best for breath-holding.

Paul

Does your finger always look like that?

Developing some itchy spots on my index finger....is it something I ate or is something eating me while we sleep? Think we need a better bed net.

Paul

Dragon slayer!!!!

Woke up this morning in our beach bungalo to the usual tranquil sounds of waves softly hitting the shore.

THEN WE SAW A HUGE FREAKIN' MONSTER DRAGON LIZARD ON THE WALL!!!!!!

We're used to the little ones crawling up the walls but this dude could have swallowed Lucy whole with room for dessert. I of course sprung to Lucy's defense, pulling the post that holds up one corner of the mosquito net out of the bed and trying to drive the beast out the door. I didn't want to hurt it, just send it back to the jungle where it can eat deer, cows and goats or whatever it usually kills for food. After a short battle it was gone.

ps. Whatever you may hear from Lucy about a shriek of fear when it jumped from the ceiling to the wall is absolute bunk, she mis-interpreted my battle cry.

Paul

Sweet revenge for the Easy Riders

Rented a motor scooter so we could ride into town and get some fruit from the market. After 2 weeks of people honking at us with their scooters it was great to aim the horn at someone else for a change.

Paul

On the beach

We're resting up for a few days on the beach. Hot sun, turquoise water and a bungaloe by the beach. nuf said.



ps. The earthquake in the Indian Ocean didn't affect us here.

Paul

Blood-thirsty Natives

Still in the north-east highlands. Drove from Sapa to Bac ha to see the weekly Sunday market. This was 3 hours through some of the dustiest towns we have ever seen. Most people wear a cloth over their mouth to filter it out. Our trusty driver, Mr. Bau, is a recently retired military man with a limp thanks to the US army.

The market is colourful chaos because it's crowded with native women that wear multi-coloured head scarves. The native people from the surrounding hills come here to do their weekly buying and selling - everything from dogs (to eat), pigs, chickens, water buffalo, fruits, vegies, noodles, clothes... you name it. This market is all business, if you move to slow you get a sharp jab in the ribs to get out of the way by some small woman with a huge basket on her back.

We asked what the bowls of red "soup" were that you see in the market food stalls. They are bowls of fresh pig blood, garnished with crushed peanuts, mint, and herbs. By the looks of things, this is a popular item. What happens if there is a shortage of pig blood and they can't get their of blood? They will surely be looking for another source and smacking their lips over the over-fed tourists with their pig-like features. We fled the market as fast as we could and paid Mr. Bau double to get us back to the train station as fast as possible for the overnight train to Hanoi.



Paul

Made to measure

December 21

After a short flight from Hanoi to Danang we arrive in Hoi An. Flying is a great option here, it's cheap and prevents ulcers and grey hair from being a passenger on the same roads as the maniacs that drive here.

Hoi An is a great place to be. It's a small historic town that does not allow cars in the old part of town (getting bumped by a scooter or a bike is a lot less painful). This town has brought out the inner clothes-horse in me. It's famous for making cotton and tailoring. I can hear the clatter of the cotton looms from where I type, they use old machinery that wouldn't look out of place in the era of the industrial revolution.

I didn't really expect to get any clothes made but once you get here it's like a fever and you can't stop yourself. The town is full of small tailor shops loaded with bolts of cloth. You pick a style out of the pile of catalogs and magazines, the material and then they measure you up - everything is custom made. I ended up getting a wool suit, a cordorouy sport coat, 2 pairs of pants and a dress shirt ... for $140!!! All custom made to fit. Lucy got a few things made as well. It's a good thing that you can also get knock-off bags here incredibly cheap as well, North Face packs for $6. We're going to need extra luggage space.



We also had to spend time looking for the tackiest possible material for an (un-named) friend that provided a shirt to copy. You're going to love it!

We love the hotel and the town so we're extending our stay for an extra few nights.

Paul

You buy from me!?

We took the red-eye (over-night train) from Hanoi to Sapa, up in the north-east highlands. Beautiful mountain scenery and very colourful inhabitants. The indigenous (and ingenious) native people are living the way they have been for generations except they now have satellite tv and sell handicrafts to tourists. The women have black hands from dyeing hemp material in indigo dye that they make from local flowers. The young girls are the best at it, they follow you for up to an hour, looking cute and asking the same questions over and over until you cave in.
- Where are you from?
- What's your name?
- How old are you?
- How many brothers and sisters?
- You buy from me?

One trio of girls followed us through town to our hotel. The next morning they were staked out again, waiting for us. We managed to sneak out using a van that was parked outside the hotel as cover.

Someone is going to get an indigo pillow case for their birthday...

Paul

Can't swallow the snake wine

There it was in front of me, the elusive snake wine. Forbidden elixir of snake venom and corn liquor, brewed in the shadowy highlands of north-east Vietnam. But, I just can't bring myself to drink the stuff. I fear nightmares of the snake coiled into each bottle, eyes staring out of the bottle where they were drowned alive. Not even the promise of the effects of this Vietnamese Viagra can put the stuff past my lips.



Paul

Good noodles, bad air, and the best coffee

Hanoi - Take 3 million people, put them on 2 million scooters and duct-tape their fingers to the horn... that's Hanoi. Lucky for us we had Tuan to show us the necessary survival skills, namely how to cross the road alive. Since many intersections don't have traffic lights and it's not possible to wait for a break in the traffic (there are none, ever) the only option is to take a huge leap of faith and wade through. The trick is to walk slowly and not to stop, as long as you move slowly and predictably the scooter psychopaths can flow around you, beeping away. Stopping or speeding up = death by a thousand wheels. It does not make a difference whether you do this with your eyes open or closed.



Once we got used to this, Hanoi was pretty cool. We went to see Ho Chi Minh whose body has been preserved and on display since he passed away in the early 70's (probably killed in traffic) but unfortunately he was out of town getting some body work done. Cosmetic surgery isn't just for the young, or the living for that matter. The Old Quarter is the most interesting part of town. Our first day we got a cyclo tour through here. A cyclo is a 3 wheel bike with a seat mounted on the front. The irony of athletic adults being wheeled through the city by a couple of old, thin, asthmatic Vietnamese men was not lost on us. The cargo that they can carry on these things is amazing. We've seen them carry lumber, scrap metal, carpet rolls - even 4 pigs sprawled across the front while being pushed by a scooter.

The Old Quarter has got it all, building supplies, knock-off shoes and clothes by the ton, guys welding and fabricating metal in their flip-flops on the sidewalk, chickens being slaughtered - you name it.

Did I mention that the coffee is amazing here, strong with an undertone of chocolate that comes from the bean? Don't know if this is true but I read that the best brew is made from beans that have been eaten and shat out be weasels. Hopefully this is a Vietnamese myth.

Next stop is the northern highlands. Tonight we get on the overnight train.

Paul

Getting there is half the fun (yah right)

A pox on Air Canada for issuing upgrade coupons that can never be used, forcing us to spend 22 hours in small seats, watching bad movies, eating lousy food, and listening to 100's of snoring Taiwanese travelers.

Paul

Twas the night before Hanoi

Are we ready? The stuff piled on the bed looks meagre for 5 weeks, but also looks too big. What can be left behind? What's missing? Why is the overhead fan starting to sound like a helicopter?